35 weeks

I am 35 weeks pregnant with baby number two and my Emmaline is two years old.

It's so cliche, but seriously, where does the time go? Preparing for the birth of this baby, it feels like I gave birth to Emma just a few months ago. We are having a home birth this time and I am really looking forward to it. I love my midwives and I love that I'm not going to have to drive anywhere while in active labor! I have my birth kit just about ready. I have to wash the washcloths and put the flashlight in the box, but other than that, I think I'm done. Of course I'll think of something else tomorrow night when I am again up at 3am because I got up to pee and couldn't go back to sleep. We have been practicing our hypnobirthing techniques every night and I've been doing my birth affirmations just about every morning. I am feeling fairly prepared, but still glad I have a few more weeks to keep working on it. We ordered a tub, which should be here in a few days. I wasn't feeling apprehensive at all until yesterday when I looked back at my birth photos with Emma. I remember labor being intense, but not painful. Looking at my pictures, my face sure looks like I was in pain! I am thinking that those photos were actually of me either feeling the urge to push, or actually pushing. Either way, it made me a little nervous. I think I might have to do a little fear release session to let those images go.

We moved Emma into the slightly bigger guest room to make room for two cribs in there. She handled the transition beautifully and is doing quite well. She pats and kisses my belly and asks to see Baby all the time. We are doing lots of reading and talking about Baby. She helped me put the new diapers away and talks about sharing her blankets and old clothes with Baby. I am struggling a bit with where to put stuff. I think I'll get an over the door organizer for Baby's diaper stuff so that it is readily at hand instead of the two steps away station that we have for Emma. The dresser is completely full and the closet is getting there. We also need a ton more diapers.

Work is going well. I am really enjoying being with the students and also being out in the Midwifery community again. Of course right now, all I want to do is get my nest together, but I'm working on a balance. I should have all my visits done at 37 weeks and then I just have to wrap up the paperwork. I have a few problem children who need extra time and attention, but some are pulling it together. I am worried about two of them though. One seems to have both the motivation and the ability to get herself together, and the other two just can't seem to do it. I know that they want to, I'm just not sure if they are capable of it. We'll see.

A few months ago, Desi called to offer to throw me a baby shower. I was so touched because I didn't think anyone would do that for my second baby! We made it coed and I put together a pretty good list of friends that I thought would come. As of the day before, only 3 friends were coming along with family, spouses and children. But the day came and only one friend showed up.

I can say I understand.

I can say that I should be honored that anyone bothered to come for Baby number 2.

I can say that I understand that people are busy and have other things to do.

But it doesn't change that fact that I feel deeply hurt. Especially when I see facebook status' of friends who RSVPd no with important updates like going grocery shopping and having breakfast with other people. Shawn felt terrible for me. He asked if it would have been better if he had gotten a cake and flowers and balloons, but I said it just would have made the lack more obvious. As it was, Desi bought food for 20. I can't help but feel slighted. I'm sure I'll get over it. But it's only been a few days and I am still just sad. No one came to my party. Ok. Not no one, but hardly anyone. At least Emma had a good playdate. My one friend who did show up is the most caring person in the world. She did such a good job of turning the attention back to me and the fact that we are welcoming a new baby into the world. We talked expanding diaper bags, breastfeeding, birthing, and sibling preparation. As the mama of 4 amazing children, I value her advice! She was perfect and I am grateful that she is a part of my life.

Well. It is now almost 4am so I should probably try to go back to sleep. It feels good to get some of that out of my head.